You'll See It's All a Show, Keep 'em Laughing as You Go
by Cececat
Summary: [Title stolen from song lyric] Tap dancer Laura is (sort of) kidnapped by aliens. After being taken back to their castle she's given the job of explaining Earth's popular culture to them. It's just as fun as she thought... though it's still dangerous. Especially when she gets caught up in a love triangle between her 'Master' and another Earthling 'pet, Eddie. (Please Read & Review)
1. The World's Gone Mad Today

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

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 **A/N: Yes, I should be updating things I've written already. But I thought of this idea and had to start it. I know everybody's sort of decided that Columbia willing went to the castle and Eddie showed up later. But what if it was the opposite?**

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Laura Trent, age 20, was very excited. Finally, she'd gotten a good job. Before they'd just been a one-off occasion that didn't pay well. Now she'd been hired for a few months to do twice-nightly shows six days a week plus matinees on Saturdays. It was at this place called "Nell's" in this town called Denton. Though, for such a job, it wasn't very conventional.

Not that her work was very conventional by normal standards either.

Instead of waiting tables or making sandwiches, she tapped and sang Cole Porter songs at various venues. Her current act consisted mostly of singing _Anything Goes_ and tapping a bit. If they cheered a bit she'd sing a few bars of _I Get a Kick Out of You._ She wore a pretty dress – the same dress for her whole career of 3 long years _._

Laura shared a dressing room with a pretty redheaded woman named Lilli. Though burlesque wasn't exactly approved of, it was more legal than actual stripping. So Lilli sang suggestive songs and danced a bit while taking off the outer layers. That usually meant stripping down to a lacy corset, stockings, garters, and shorts that were far less revealing than panties. Laura hadn't ever seen the act, though she planned to sneak in and see it sometime. It began after hers and ended a few hours later.

Like most people over the age of 12 or so living in that time period, Lilli smoked. Though she chain-smoke… which was worse than the occasional corset. Laura hated that because she knew the smoke would hurt her voice if she breathed too much. So she tried. Though it sort of seemed rude, and Laura felt bad about being rude to the woman. Lilli was really sweet and never did anything harmful to anybody on purpose. This Laura respected.

"Good luck tonight," Lilli said.

"You too."

Just then, the theater's owner knocked on the door and entered without getting answer. That was something he often did. Good thing both girls were totally dressed. Lilli just needed to do her makeup – though she still looked wonderful without it, somehow – and Laura was just finishing hers.

The owner was a short, thin Russian man called Mister Chekov. Nobody knew who or what 'Nell' was. The name only stayed because nobody could think of anything better.

Show business was the business of outcasts. Before he moved to Denton and bought the theater, Mister Chekov was accused of being a communist even though he'd nearly died _escaping_ the Soviet Union. None of the people backstage cared. He wasn't creepy to the chorus girls and he didn't shout at anybody. People liked him, unpleasant past or not.

Laura too had an unpleasant past. Though she still hadn't told anyone about it. The only person she properly trusted yet was Lilli. Still, Laura needed to get to know those people better before any of them knew more than her stage name.

"So, Miss Trent… we're almost reading," the Russian said, in a carefully-learned American accent.

Laura nodded. "Right."

Quickly, she finished applying her lipstick. Then she put on her had and followed Mister to the room where the stage was. Since Nell's was something of a nightclub there was both tables of patrons and a microphone for her to stand in front of. The room she performed for was full of people dressed a bit nicer than usual

The music began and Laura entered the room. Smiling with false confidence, she stood in front of the microphone and waited for the piano player to begin. Soon enough he did. So, she began to sing…

" _Times have changed! Aaaand we've often rewound the clock, since the puritans got a shock, when they landed rock. If today, any shock they should try to stand, stead of landing on Plymouth rock, Plymouth rock should land on them_ …"

A good laugh from the audience.

" _In older days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking…"_ There, she lifted the hem of her dress knee-length a bit, revealing her more of her stockings than already showed. " _But now God knows… anything goes_!" She winked at the audience. " _Good authors, too, who once knew better words… now only use four letter words_! _The world has gone mad today, good's bad day, black's white today, day's night today… most guys today that women prize today are just silly gigolos_!"

Again, the audience was amused in a good way. The false confidence was becoming real confidence now. Playing the character of the feisty girl who knew a dirty joke or two was actually quite easy. It wasn't too far from her real personality – just a bit sure of herself. Much easier than a role she didn't resemble at all.

" _Anything Goes! And though I'm not a great romancer, I'm bound to answer when you propose…. Anything Goes_!"

Time to interact a bit. There are a few bars of nothing but the piano there. That's when Laura danced across the room. Still smiling brightly, she carefully danced those carefully rehearsed steps. She forgot all the people around her. Tap dance was something she'd loved all her life. Her late grandfather had got her into it, since he and his also dead sister Rose had been a tap dancing duo before he began working for his father's plumbing company during the depression. Plumbing was very important to people, so that company stayed afloat when others failed.

Laura forced those thoughts out of her mind. She'd left that town behind. Now it was time to focus on her career as a dancer. Well, to focus on the show she was currently performing. It was time to sing again…

" _When Grandmama whose age is eighty, in nightclubs is getting mate-y with gigolos… anything goes! When mothers pack and leave poor father 'cause they've decided they'd rather be tennis pros… anything goes. If driving fast cars you like, if lowly bars you like, if old hymns you like, if bare limbs you like."_ 'Kick' went one leg, briefly revealing her garter straps and bit of bare leg. Even a few of the girls approved of that. " _If Mae West you like, or me undressed you like… why, nobody will oppose_!"

Laura blew a kiss to a man sitting nearby. This she did because he wore a bit of makeup, sort of like Ziggy Stardust, so she thought he wouldn't go after her later. It was best to flirt with the guys who were gay because they didn't take it seriously. She all but knew he was gay, he was more obvious than anyone she'd seen before. Between the makeup and the strangely girly greaser-delinquent sitting beside him, holding his hand. It was _obvious_ … or so it seemed to Laura.

" _And every night the set that's smart is intruding in nudist parties in studios –_ golly! _– in studios… anything goes_! _And though I'm not a great romancer I know that I'm bound to answer when you propose, anything goes! Anything goes_!"

Then, there was the applause. Laura bowed, the piano guy bowed… and then the former went back to her dressing room to change into more normal clothes.

The next night and the next and the next, she did the show the same as before. Ziggy and his greaser friend were there each time. After asking around for a while she realized that nobody knew whom the Ziggy-wannabe was. Though Mister Chekov did know that the greaser was the nephew of a local science teacher. Apparently he was harmless, if dim witted. Finally, on Friday, she decided to confront the guys after the show. It was creeping Laura out.

After she'd changed into normal clothes and reapplied some makeup (she'd long ago begun shaving her eyebrows and drawing them in), she went

"Hey, Ziggy! Greaser Kid!" she said to them.

The man with makeup ignored her – perhaps didn't even hear – though the other man turned towards her.

"What do you want?" he asked, though somehow not rudely.

"I want to know why you're here. Every night since I started performing here you tow have been in the audience. Now, I think it's sorta creepy. Something about you two…"

Laura realized how silly this was. Lots of people were at the show every evening. Yet something seemed off about these guys. Something that worried her – _frightened_ her! How odd.

"You're the chick who tap dances!" said the greaser, rather suddenly, as if just realizing this. "I'm Eddie, this guy's… friend."

"My name is Laura," she replied, instinctively.

At this point, Ziggy noticed his date was talking to an unfamiliar girl.

"Eddie, darling… we aren't _flirting_ while on a date, are we?" he said with a snobbish British accent. This was very strange, in Laura's opinion. She'd never been semi-stalked by a gay British man who wore makeup. This was new.

"I'm not flirtin'. This is the gal who sings, the one you seem to like so much," Eddie replied sullenly.

"Oh? My name is Frank, you know. Tell me – Laura wasn't it? Tell me, Laura, have you ever met an alien? Somebody from outer space?"

"Like Mr. Spock?" she asked.

"Kinda," Eddie told her.

Laura laughed. "Of course not. Aliens don't exist, that's insane."

"They do exist. I could prove it, you know," Frank said gleefully, grabbing her hands with his own.

"How?" Laura asked.

"He wants you to live with him, in his magic flying castle spaceship thingy," Eddie explained. "I thought I was high the first time I toured the place, it was totally cool."

Then, rather suddenly, everything faded to black. The last thing she remembered was a sharp pricking sensation in her hand. As if a tiny blade of some kind had stabbed her!

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	2. Who Hasn't Heard of The Beatles?

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Show_**

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 **A/N:** **I'm not a fan of the Beatles. Sorry. It just seemed right that Laura (Columbia) would be because of when she was a teenager (late '60s to early '70s). Nearly every teenaged female in the mid 1960s was a fan, or so I've read. I once wrote an essay comparing Lancelot from _Le Mort Darthur_ to the Beatles. Basically everything I know about them is from researching that project.**

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Sometime later, Laura awoke.

Her hand ached strangely and there seemed to be a tiny wound of some kind. It looked as if she'd been jabbed by a needle. So they'd drugged her. That explained the pain she'd felt before passing out.

Then she realized something else. She was lying in some pathetic little cot in a dimly lit room. The walls were papered in some sort of dark, gothic pattern that made the room look smaller. It needed posters or something to brighten it up. There seemed to be only one light source – a cobweb-covered candelabra. It looked very Addams Family in the worst way possible. After a moment Laura saw something else that looked like something out of that same TV show. A very pale red-haired woman wearing a dark dress, dark lipstick, and fascinating shoes. She seemed to be reading a book.

"Who the _hell_ are you?" Laura squeaked.

The woman ignored her and kept reading. This bothered Laura quite a bit. Soon, she was panicking. Even as she began rather hysterical the woman still ignored her.

"I've been kidnapped. Oh God, I've been kidnapped by Ziggy-Wannabe and his greaser boyfriend. Who are you, then? Their sexy henchwoman or something?" "Oh, shut up," said the woman. "You haven't been kidnapped. Eddie went to your room at the theatre and got all your things from there, with ze help of ze little Russian man. Zough even if you vere kidnapped, you can't blame _me_. I'm just the maid who cleans up all the stupid messes zat ze Master makes."

"What does he want from me?" Laura asked, after a moment.

"Sex. Exposure to ze culture of zis planet."

Laura rolled her eyes. "Buy a record or two by the Beatles and maybe a ticket to the movies. Then you've gotten a taste of Earth's culture."

"I've seen one of zose thing called movies. But what are Beatles?"

This shocked Laura. The look of true confusion on the woman's face proved these so-called lies to be true.

"You've never heard of the Beatles. A girl who probably would've been a teen in the 1960s, and you've never heard of... Oh _God_. You really are an alien! Or a Baptist, though I doubt Baptists dress like you do – that's a good thing, by the way. You dress very nicely."

After staring at Laura for a moment, the woman laughed for a while. This was sort of frightening in Laura's opinion… for _some_ reason.

"What's your name?" Laura asked.

"Magenta," the woman replied.

"What kind of name is that?" Laura asked.

" _My_ name," Magenta said coldly. "Now, obtain me some of these Beatles records of which you spoke. I will study them, I think, and give a report to ze Master."

Then she left the room.

It made no sense to Laura, this. She'd need to go to a record store to 'obtain' records by the Beatles. No teenager girl's life was complete until they'd gone though a phase where they'd obsessed over those four young Brits and their glorious matching hairstyles. They were like living Gods. So powerful that they could make thousands of usually sane young woman slobber and scream. Or so Laura always thought. Not that she'd done the slobbering thing, of course. She'd been 13 when they stopped doing tours and everything. So she hadn't gotten the chance to slobber pathetically. This was probably a good thing, since Magenta would probably not respect a person who behaved like that. At least Laura would get to tell Magenta all she knew about Paul, John, George, and Ringo. That would be fun.

So, though she still felt a bit dizzy, she decided to stand up and leave the room. Eddie seemed the sanest of these strange people she'd met so far. From there she'd go looking for someone – preferably Eddie – in the hope they should.

This failed epically. Not only did she fall after only a few steps, she crashed into this computer of sorts that Magenta left on the floor. Before she'd only seen one computer. It was a monster of a thing that resembled an oversized electronic typewriter. _This_ alien computer was a small device with lots of wires and things. Magenta had been working on it, it seemed. It was so unlike the computers Laura had ever seen that she didn't know what it was. The thing was now a mess because Laura had tripped over it.

Now, Laura had a short attention span. So she'd managed to quickly forget the Beatles and was now intensely focusing on these little wires and things in the computer. It confused her, this box of wire. After fiddling with it for a moment it hummed to life. There was a little screen that glowed with pictures. More proof that these people were aliens!

Though Laura hardly got to see any of that. She shrieked in terror when the screen lit up. It was Eddie who heard this and found her.

"You've found one of their I told you they were aliens!" he said cheerily.

Laura rolled her eyes. "They're so alien they've never heard of the Beatles. If anyone's well known on an alien world it would be Paul, John, George, and Ringo. Speaking of which, Magenta wants me to go 'obtain' a few records for her. How do I do that while being stuck here?"

"There's a shop in town we could go to," Eddie told her. "Though we need to borrow the money from ol' Hunchback. He's the one who keeps track o' the financing wossnames. That's a good thing, mind you… he's the only one sane enough."

At this point, Laura had no idea who – or what – "ol' Hunchback" was. Though she still followed Eddie out of the room. She had to grip his arm since she was still a bit dizzy from whatever they injected her with.

After wandering through various hallways for a while they came across a person, reading a book, who did not look well. The redness of his eyes and his sallow skin suggested insomnia, drug use, or both. This sight frightened poor Laura.

"Hello," he said in a dull monotone.

"Hello, Riff. We need money and to borrow the truck so we can go buy records in town. Apparently it was your sister who asked for the records," Eddie explained.

The sallow-skinned man took a box out of the strange jacket he wore (that thing looked like a moth-eaten discarded costume piece, or so thought Laura). He carefully opened the box with those long, creepy fingers of his. Slowly but surely he pulled out a few dollar bills of the box.

Eddie grinned. "Thank you, Riff."

Then, he quickly hurried Laura away. Once they were down the hall – far enough that Riff couldn't hear their potential conversation – Eddie showed Laura the bills. They weren't ones, as she'd thought at first. They were hundred dollar bills. Riff had given them three _hundred_ dollars.

"Are you serious?" she squeaked.

"Yep. These aliens… they're real swell. They know very little about Earthling money, culture, etc. Ya know, that's the reason I live here with them in this castle o' there's. That and the fact I _hate_ living with Uncle Nazi."

The last words were terribly bitter and Laura didn't ask what he meant – though she really did wonder. As he said this, she realized he probably had many more dark secrets than she ever would. His childlike, Artful Dodger-esque manner hid this darkness just as his oversized leather jacket hid the marks on his arm. Those marks – the evidence of his addiction – weren't yet known of by Laura.

It was a fine line, the one between dark secrets and the cheerful facade. Laura would learn _that_ soon enough.

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	3. Shopping, but not Escaping

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

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 **A/N: Sorry I did't update this as quickly as usual. My computer and the internet weren't working. I would've updated via my phone if I hadn't written half of this chapter on the computer already. This chapter isn't as good as usual - somewhat rushed - though hopefully it's readable!**

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As drove to the record store, Laura asked a number of questions. There were still a few things she didn't understand. Such as…

"How did _you_ end up at that place? You aren't one of them – are you?"

He laughed. "Nah. Frankie Stardust ordered pizza from this place I worked at a few years ago. It turns out he thought I'd come with the pizza as some sort of deal. Somehow I ended up not leaving. Something about him makes you not want to leave

This frightened Laura slightly. Already she'd realized how staying at the castle seemed a better idea than not leave – though she knew now why. She asked the question

"Is his name _actually_ Frankie Stardust?"

Again, Eddie laughed. "'Course not. I just call him that sometimes. Everyone gets a nickname from me. I call Riff Raff ol' Hunchback, Magenta is Lady Vampire, and I refer to my uncle as Uncle Nazi… though all that's mostly behind their backs. I'm merely the court fool, so nobody takes me seriously – and I'd hope to keep it that way."

"What does _he_ – meaning Frank – want with me, then?" Laura asked.

"Well, you sorta flirted with him the first time we saw your show. I'm not that pop-culture savvy – though I thought you might be and pointed it out to him. That's why we were at the club in the first place, so he could get a taste of Earthling entertainment," Eddie explained.

By then, he'd parked the pick-up truck near the record store. Neither got out at first. Eddie turned to Laura with a worried expression on his face.

"Should I drop you off here?" Eddie asked. "I'm not one of them, I'm an Earthling like you. If you want to not go back…"

"No. I'll stay," she replied firmly.

"Good choice, I guess. It's not that bad. They've never tried using me for a lab experiment, like ya see in the movies. There's food, a nice room to live in. Though it's also a trap. We can't go anywhere without there permission. They control our supply of money, food, etc…"

Laura nodded. It sounded oddly like a break. Being the pet of a few aliens wasn't too bad. A stable source of food, the knowledge that you're safe… and certainly it would be _quite_ interesting to see how they reacted to various Earthling movies and things.

Then they got out of the car. They'd parked near enough to the record store. Soon before they entered the place, Laura realized something. It was light outside – as on a bright morning – though she'd passed out sometime in the evening after dark.

"How long was I out?" Laura asked.

Eddie laughed, nervously. "It's about 10AM now… about 13 hours, I think. Ol' Hunchback won't allow me in that science lab of his – and I failed outta chemistry in school – so I don't know anything about what they gave ya."

At that point, Laura didn't care. She'd gotten distracted again. There, in the record store window, was a LP of the soundtrack _Cabaret_. Though it was always to For quite a while – ever since shed seen the film a year or so ago, in fact – she'd wanted to buy a copy.

"Surely with $300 I can buy the records for Magenta and that…?" she muttered.

This seemingly random statement confused Eddie. "Huh?"

"Oh, nothing!" Laura said. "Let's go buy those records for Magenta now."

And so, the two of them entered the shop. It was practically overflowing with all the colorful album covers. After a moment, Laura spotted the familiar cover of _Introducing… the Beatles_. Her brother – who she usually hated thinking about – owned that very record.

"There's something! Do you think she'd like that?" Laura asked, gesturing towards it.

Eddie chuckled. "I was thinking we'd be a bit more grand. We've got $300, don't we?"

"Well, yes…"

Then, Eddie turned to tired look man at the cash register.

"Can you give us a copy of every LP you have here?"

The man raised a graying eyebrow. "Well, kid, it'll cost you at least 150…"

"I can pay."

And so, they left the shop about a half-hour later with many records now in their possession and much less money in Eddie's pocket. They'd managed to buy the soundtrack to _Cabaret_ and a copy every Beatles album the still-dazed clerk could find in the building.

"I'll call you Columbia," Eddie said thoughtfully, as they exited the shop. "Columbia – the record company – invented the LP record. The first thing I did with just you was got to a shop and buy some LPs. That's not as good as it could be, but it seems to fit ya."

Without further ado, the two of them returned to the castle. Laura was from then on known as Columbia – she liked it well enough - and 'Laura' was a boring name. Not a name used by somebody living with aliens, no sir!

Sort of like how Tricia MacMillan became 'Trillian Astra' after running away with the president of the Galaxy. Of course, _that_ was fiction. And it hadn't even been though of yet – the original _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ radio programs were from 1978 or so. So there wasn't any way Laura/Columbia could compare herself to Tricia/Trillian.

Anyway, also like Trillian, Columbia fit in well with aliens. Though she didn't know it yet, she'd soon be one of them in nearly every way…

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